I'm recession proof!

My last day at the Company, I got an email from the old company I worked for (that made promises to high-heaven and ditched me), let's call them the Crevice.  They want me back, and are happy to let me work part time.  I also got an email from an old, old boss with a gig this weekend, just when I need the cash. 

The agency who I contract through told me, as I was dropping off paperwork, that they had 100 people coming in that day who had been laid-off.  You might think all those highly-educated folks might be hurting my business, but to the contrary, I'm a known entity.  Everyone hitting the market now is shell-shocked, feeling entitled to way more than 20-25/hr, liable to drop any assignment for a "real" job.  In contrast, you can't put a price on a quality bottom feeder like me!

Mystery Tinkler

I love that Evil HR lady has someone in her office who sprays pee all over the seats.  I had one in the Company: first or second stall from the left, in the afternoon, complete seat saturation.  We had too much traffic, and I tended to slip into the executive bathroom, so I never caught the culprit.  I wasn't so much interested in the who, as the how.  It really looked like they peed into a spray bottle and then liberally spritzed the entire seat, front and back.

Apologies, I've been on vacation.  Scheduling a vacation is the best way to get a new job, imo. 

Are you between 24-28? Have you never used Microsoft Office or a copy machine?

Where to really begin?  That they found three people that meet these qualifications in Manhattan, and not toothless in the Ozarks, which is how I previously would have pictured someone with zero exposure to office machinery.  That's pretty damn impressive.  That one of the candidates is a guy who is "taking a break" from a doctorate program....

I used to think that I was kind of badass for having a lot of office experience, and knowing about PivotTables in Excel.  Apparently, those skills are grossly overrated.

Pre 9am Assholes

I come back to the desk this morning with my cup of coffee and someone is pressing the door buzzer furiously.  I let them in and they tear by me.  I have visions of them stealing all the laptops in the office like a criminal version of Supermarket Sweep, and I shout, "HEY!  Who are you!?"

Blond Amazon barely slows, "____ Office Employees!"

"YOU NEED TO SIGN IN!" I yell.  How in fuck's sake am I supposed to know they're employees when they go racing through without IDs?

"Oh, well that's new." Amazon announces, with an eye roll to boot.

"Um, no it isn't.  It's written on the front door," and I point as an employee walks in and a large security announcement sits like an eyesore on the front door.

Seething, they silently scribble in the sign-in book.  I win, assholes.

Goodbye, Farewell

Surprise, surprise, the Company won't keep me on part-time for a couple months. Sure, everyone else works a four hour week, if that, but I knew I was at the bottom of the totem pole. Will this keep me from crapping on contractors and admins when I get a "real" job? Hell no.

Pamela Skillings over at Escape from Corporate America turned me on to a great show called America's Toughest Jobs. 

I think the best reality shows are the ones most realistic (and least contrived).  I think that's why all those modelling shows are terrible and even America's Next Top Model is tanking in the ratings.  They ought to do a reality show following Elyse Sewell's real adventures modelling in Hong Kong, where the work is usually long, stressful, and not exciting, but the reality is so compelling.

Anyway, America's Toughest Jobs.  I love that the women are kicking the guys asses.  If you count child-rearing and housework (which we generally don't, since it's "women's work"), women across the world do two-thirds of the work.  Total.  We have a far greater capacity for pain, for working long, tedious hours, for stamina.  The inherent sexism in physical trials for firefighting and the military is that it presupposes that carrying a guy on your shoulders and pulling yourself over a wall is the end-all, be-all of the jobs.  What's the point of a big burly guy if he gets tired and lazy fighting wildfires or digging trenches? 

Just as in real life, there are strong women on ATJ who can lift a boulder that tall, 20-something men can't.  In this week's challenge, looking for gold in a creek, two men puttered over lifting a boulder for over an hour, and in the meantime, the woman on the team spent the entire shift crouched in 35 degree water and squeezing under rocks.  She was also far better for finding gold in pans.

Our female police and the women of the Israeli military are starting to show that they can easily go head to head with their male counterparts in jobs that require far more than running a mile and hopping a wall.  This show is just another step in proving that women have what it takes to drive trucks, deep-sea fish, and other stereotypical "male" jobs.  Check it out if you can.

No, you won't

I think its pretty safe to say that anyone who calls me to be connected to someone in the office is selling something.  Everyone here either practices the Four Hour Workweek, or spends 35 weeks a year travelling the globe with a Blackberry taped to their hand, so anyone doing business with these people has their cell number or knows to email them. 

Most of the time it's not even a leap of intuition: the person usually has a heavy accent and you can hear the buzz of a call center behind them. 

I think I deal with calls very fairly and judiciously.  Anyone calling from a call center, or asking for a generic department, or the person who handles the office supplies, goes into Deep Freeze.  I discovered Deep Freeze after three months of working here, and it has been a life saver.  It's a voicemail box with a generic message that no one ever checks.  It was set up years ago for Maude, and I found it in some old notes.  People never come back from the Deep Freeze.

If the person has a name and can form a grammatically correct sentence, I'll usually pass them through to that person.  Anyone of import is never here and never answers their phone, so it's a pretty excellent system.  At least I let you leave a voicemail, which is more than most places offer. 

Today a woman called and asked for one of those people.  Our phone system leaves people on the line while I transfer.  Most people chew or hork loogies in my ear, but this woman was different.

"Maybe we'll get a hold of him!" She whispered excitedly to her coworker.

Lady, that guy hasn't been here in six weeks.  Better luck next time!